An Ode To the Death of My Twenties, or: How I Learned To Love My Feet

Tomorrow I turn 30. I’ve thought, for the last few months, that I would march forward into this new decade  with grace and aplomb.

But then I looked in the mirror and realized that one day, not long from now, I will be old. And not long after that, I’ll be dead. In fact, the lifespan of a human is so ridiculously short compared to that of the universe that, in some dimensions, I’m probably dead already, if I was ever here to begin with.

For a minute, this thought made me feel very, very sorry for myself.

So I ate a few gourmet chocolates that a very good friend of mine had sent me as a birthday gift, and decided that if I’m going to be dead soon, and especially if I am dead already, I might as well enjoy myself.

And two of the things I most enjoy doing are blogging and giving people unsolicited advice.
So I ate a few more chocolates and thought about all the things I’ve learned so far during this journey called life.

Then I sat down and wrote you a list of things to keep in mind:

1. Someday, your eyes are going to get bad and your feet are going to hurt. This will happen whether you hike Mt. Everest in heels or sit in quiet meditation for the whole of your twenties. It will happen whether you read small print by candlelight or wear a Jedi knight blast shield and stumble through life afraid of anything smaller than 20 point font. The downside to this reality is that someday you will squint and limp. The upshot is that since you can’t prevent it anyway, you can relax regarding decisions about font and footwear.

2. Feeling guilty about not putting on your sunblock does not protect your skin from the sun, nor does it help you remember to your sunblock in the future, nor does it make your child more amenable to sunblock application.

3. The best, most helpful first response to almost any problem you will ever encounter is to stand still and breathe deeply. Exceptions to this rule are pretty much limited to fast-moving projectiles that are headed straight for you. In such cases, it is best to take three steps to the left before starting your breathing exercise.

4. Though they may take awhile to wear off, feelings of embarrassment never last forever. However, feelings of regret at having missed an opportunity do. When in doubt, risk embarrassment.

5. Angry people say stupid things. Therefore, while anger can be a very helpful, healthy response to certain stimuli, it is a good idea to keep your mouth shut until the feeling passes.

6. Despite your best intentions, you will never, ever manage to keep your mouth shut when you are angry.

7. You will probably get what you want in life. The trick is to recognize that what you actually want is probably not what you thought you wanted or what you were even aiming for.

8. Being on the worst-dressed list is not the end of the world. It is less fun than being on the best-dressed list, but more fun than not making any list at all.

9. If you can afford only some expensive items of clothing, opt for pricey outerwear, underwear, and shoes. With a little effort, you can find great skirts, pants, and tops at any price point, but there is no faking an high-quality coat. As for expensive underwear and shoes, the reasons for that should be obvious.  (By the way, this goes for men as well as women--with the slight difference that men should buy cheap underwear and get all their pants professionally hemmed.)

10. Never pay any attention to somebody else’s list of life lessons. They are probably full of crap.

Goodbye, my twenties.  We had a passionate, though explosive, relationship, and while I hate to see you go, I love to watch you leave.

Hello, my thirties.  May you be filled with lots of gourmet chocolates and many, many pairs of impractical but expensive shoes.  And hell, maybe a few pairs of pink cat-eye reading glasses.