Helping and harming: two stories of being white and "an ally"

I want to share two stories of times I was white and had a chance to "do something." The first time I did it quite badly, the second time it was much better.

I'm sharing this because if you're white and you have any thoughts of being an "ally," it's important to imagine some scenarios and plan them out in your head. It's really easy to screw it up, and it's inevitable that you will screw it up if you have delusions of saviorism in your head (which I did the first time for sure).

It's also a good idea to start talking to your kids about this, if you have white kids (I promise you, people who have kids who are not white are absolutely having conversations that start with "here's what you have to do if/when...").

Ok. So here's the bad example. This is what NOT to do:

I was at a small vigil/protest for Philando Castile and a couple of white guys came up to the crowd and started looking mean and talking at us. I think they were saying "All lives matter."

I turned around to face them and started yelling at them "Black lives matter! Black lives matter!"

This was stupid and dangerous. Do not do this. There were Black people at this event, and even if there hadn't been, my behavior escalated the tension. Fortunately, nothing happened, but it could have, and if it had I almost certainly wouldn't have been the victim of it. I let my ego and my anger get in the way of my good judgement.

And here's the better example:

I was in line at airport security, on my way home after a conference. I happened to be next to a woman I'd just met at the conference, so we made small talk about whatever. She was wearing a hijab and was, of course, pulled aside for extra screening. And the way they did it, they pulled her out and made her stand in the middle of this space and just wait and wait while everyone else went around her and saw her just standing there.

Whether or not it was designed to belittle and frighten her, it definitely isolated her in the middle of a crowd, which would both belittle and frighten me. So, I stood with her. I asked her quietly if that would be ok, and she said yes.

That is important. I asked her. I did not talk to or even look at the security guards. I certainly didn't yell at them. I just stood with her, as casually as I could manage.

I planned in my head that if security asked me what I was doing, I'd just pretend to be a ditz and say "Oh, I thought you wanted me to stand here! Haha oops!"

I figured, what the hell. I actually am terrible at following directions when I'm nervous so people like TSA agents often think I'm a ditz, so this plan played to my strengths. This is also a good idea: work with the profile they likely already have of you. This is where white ladies shine -- we can smile and say oops and very often get away with it. So anyway, they made her wait and wait so we were both awkwardly standing there (I find that a lot of good help involves awkwardly standing there) and finally she said, "Go on through." And I said "are you sure?" And she said, "Yes, I need you to tell them to hold the plane if I don't get through security." And you know, that's not something I would have EVER thought of on my own, and that's another reason that you must always follow the lead of the person you're trying to help (that this even needs to be said is ridiculous, isn't it?). So, that's what I did. By then, I'd seen TSA agents see me with her, so I just casually got back in line and went through security, and then sat where I could still kind of see what was going on at security (it was a small airport). And sure enough they let her through, eventually. Which they probably would have done anyway, but at least this way she had someone waiting for her on the other side. Again, the point is not to overturn entrenched systems of injustice in one moment. The point is to help another human being in whatever way is actually helpful to them in that moment.

Takeaways

White people are taught that we are the center of the world. Think about how many times you've seen a movie or TV show or even read a book where the Black character(s) circle around the white character(s) like they are actual saviors (The Help, I'm looking at you). Our egos are big and unwieldy and it's obnoxious and dangerous. When we start to become the tiniest bit aware that yes, racism is a thing, we get this back-of-the-brain tickle that says maybe we'll be the ones to fix it. So, go over in your head how you'll stand with someone, and I mean that literally. Plan how you'll keep your wits about you. Read about how white people can de-escalate just by being present. When you're out in public, even if you're not at a protest, look around. Be aware of when security guards or cops are in the area. You don't have to be terrified of them (that's also not helpful), but awareness is valuable. Also, do watch TV shows and movies where Black people and other people of color aren't just moons orbiting the planet of white people. (This is basically the best assignment you'll ever get -- these lists are great.)